Directions for Scapegoats when Leaving the Pale

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Yard Waste

A most perplexing collection of oddities, yard waste has been known to exist both within and beyond the pale.  This researcher’s dedication to an exhaustive study of yard waste demanded that an entire chapter of The Lost Child's Guide be devoted to items found in one's yard.

By familiarizing oneself with the various types of yard waste (and items not considered yard waste), one will have less trouble discerning the difference between the more authentic type of yard waste that can alert one to signs that he might be leaving the pale, as opposed to yard art and decorations within the pale. Equally important is the vigilance required to notice the absence of yard waste while one is either trapped in or enjoying the confines of the pale.  Survival beyond the pale depends upon one’s ability utilize items that resemble yard waste but have been discovered beyond the pale where houses (and therefore yards) are infrequent.  Finally, a special section is devoted to the lamentable presence of storing yard waste within the home. 

Pale Warning: For the reader’s safety and the safety of others, the last section contains important warnings, instructions, and safety procedures which must be understood before handling anything that resembles yard waste.

Items considered yard waste by fans of the pale include but are not limited to tangible debris such as corrugated metal, porcelain doll legs, abandoned dryers, scummy blue kiddie pools, heaps of old newspapers,  moldy cardboard boxes, smashed-up television sets, broken lawn furniture, plastic hobby-horses, shredded tarps, rotten box springs, flat tires, bicycle handlebars, entire automobiles, tangled up electrical cords,  used underwear snagged on chain-link fences, and rusted farm machinery. Worthless dangerous accumulation of unused materials often disturbs those living happily in the pale. Those residing within the pale often express disgust and even terror upon encountering yard waste.  If one is collecting yard waste outside of the home, she is most likely subconsciously preparing to leave the pale and provoking her neighbors in the process.

On the Beauty and Horror of Yard Waste

It should be obvious that yard waste can serve as a litmus test when determining how entrenched in the pale an individual is. If an individual residing in the pale complains about neighbors who display any of the following in their yards - grocery carts, appliances, exercise machines, a few cement blocks, metal flowers, statues, pots, sculptures, much-maligned plastic pink flamingos, cement baskets containing flowers, metal sunflowers, bird houses and a few garden statues of frogs, turtles and rabbits – this pale fellow is likely to never venture beyond the pale, and may not be aware that any area aside from the pale exists. 

While it may be tempting to identify items found beyond the pale as yard waste, one must remember that a yard is required in order for yard waste to exist (See Also: found objects). When determining whether something is or is not yard waste, the object in question’s likeliness of becoming yard waste decreases in direct proportion to how much it is loved. Lost toys and (rabbits) scattered beyond should never be considered yard waste. Their absence could prove to be the confounding variable that sends the owner beyond the pale. Often, these magical artifacts are removed from the pale, which is certainly preferable to incineration (See also: velveteen rabbits, latency period).

No matter how pale the environment this waste exists in, its characteristics vary depending upon its location and existence of a yard. Found objects, mostly rusty metal or magical epherma and common beach trash, usually exist beyond the pale as they are piles of yard waste without a house or yard.  Such monuments to and of yard waste rarely exist within the pale. Encountering yard waste far beyond the boundaries of civilization is a sure sign that one is beyond the pale.

Beyond the pale, yard waste should be salvaged and used for individual protective devices and shelter. Tree houses, bomb shelters, caves, and flying ships are easily fashioned from piles of tires, mannequin legs hanging on a bed frames, and rusted caps for pick-up trucks. A chipped porcelain dog quickly becomes an Individual Protective Device when one is confronted by sneaks of weasels.

compost. The most confusing practice of composting, the act of disposing of food waste in one’s own yard, raises issues about the definition of yard waste. These bins, often brimming with coffee grounds, sandwich crusts, and rotten vegetables, (waste which is referred to as compost) should never be identified as yard waste. The fact that the compost itself is typically surrounded by pales in no way indicates that a civilian yard is in any way beyond the pale.

Objects naturally accumulating in the area surrounding a home (yard) should not be considered yard waste unless their presence disturbs neighbors of or those who reside in the home surrounded by said yard.

yard waste within the home. 

A most disturbing category of yard waste that is found inside one’s dwelling as opposed to the lawn surrounding the house.  (See also: failed attempts at leaving the pale). 

While little is known about the motives for displaying yard waste within one’s home, this unhealthy practice may be an expression of a latent subconscious desire to leave the pale.  Those who attempt to recreate what exists beyond the pale within their homes would be better off wandering beyond.

Such pitiful assortments of things, which may include driftwood, rubber hoses, and rusty animal traps, should be considered yard waste within the home if they meet at least two of the following three criteria: 

1. Item(s) would be considered useless trash by a rational person.
2. Item(s) is physically inside the house even though social norm dictates that it be located outdoors.
3. Item(s) serves neither a functional nor aesthetic purpose inside.

Under no circumstances should one who is concerned about the state of his yard drag regular yard waste into his home to conceal it from view, as dementia and bizarre injuries often result from such self-conscious behavior.

When encountering yard waste within the home of someone else, personal safety should be of paramount concern.  Under no circumstances should a visitor attempt to remove yard waste from a host’s home, as such confrontations regarding always end in violence. Furthermore, a guest who encounters yard waste within the home of a host should take great care to avoid injuries.

If the risk to pets and small children becomes so great that a guest is compelled to remove yard waste from the home of a friend of loved one, an individual protective device will be required.

Role in dysfunctional family directly relates to likelihood that a guest will attempt to remove Yard Waste from the home of his or her host or parents (See also: Dysfunctional Families, Hero).

Accumulating yard waste within the home should never be confused with hoarding. Hoarders tend to view their possessions as extensions of themselves, "with objects valued as safety signals because of the sense of security derived from them . . . hoarders often report that discarding possessions becomes akin to losing a loved one" (Kyrios et al., 2004, p. 244) while yard waste within the home is wholly unpleasant for everyone involved.

 

Signs that One Is Leaving the Pale

Several environmental factors may indicate confounding variables at work.

anthropomorphism. Animals talking, sitting in chairs, lying, and displaying other common behavior usually attributed to human beings.

aphasia. Loss or impairment of the power of speech or writing, or of the ability to understand written or spoken language or signs, due to a brain injury or disease.  See also: Drugs that Deprave.

arrhythmia. Any variation from normal heartbeat. See also love.

ataxia.  Unsteady or irregular manner of walking or movement caused by loss or failure of muscular co-ordination.

biolocation. Uncommon phenomenon of person or object appearing in two distant places simultaneously. See also Doppelgangers.

birds, inside of house. The presence of a bird indoors (with the exception of birds that are prepared specifically to be eaten and Yard Waste) indicates one is beyond the pale.

catatonia. Schizophrenia marked by excessive, and sometimes violent, motor activity and excitement, or by generalized inhibition.  See also Love, Unrequited.

confabulation.  A memory that is a distortion of an actual experience of a confabulation of an imagined experience. See also Drugs that Deprave.

crisis apparitions. Apparitions of someone dying from trauma who shows signs of physical death; i.e. dripping water from body while drowning somewhere else.

defense and escape velocity. The sudden acquisition of multiple Individual Protective Devices when no obvious threats are visible is a sure sign that an individual will leave the pale. When psychological and emotional factors push one beyond the pale, it is not unusual for the distraught person to spend the last hours pre-departure sobbing, taking to self, and acquiring multiple Individual Protective Devices.  Those who are propelled beyond the pale by their own hysteria often subconsciously arm themselves and are surprised to find protective gear, brass knuckles, and random dangerous objects on their person.  See also: Individual Protective Devices, Escape Velocity.

 

dematerialization: Sudden disappearance of an item; See also The Rabbit.

doorway amnesia: the curious failure of abductees to remember the moment of entry or departure from a UFO.

downed live wires. A sure indication that one has ventured unknowingly beyond the pale.

found objects. Those who frequently leave the psychological pale are likely to find 22 caliber bullets, bird bones, marbles, single domino 5-9 known as The Trial (indicates imminent death), rock towers, secret notes, boomerangs.

 

glass, frequent breaking of.  Jagged pieces of glass appearing with no explanation or the breaking of windows or mirrors; often precipitates the leaving of the pale.
 

lycanthropy. Delusional belief that one has turned into an animal.

mania. Emotional disorder (mental illness) characterized by an expansive and elated state (euphoria), rapid speech, flight of ideas, decreased need for sleep, distractibility, grandiosity, poor judgment and increased motor activity. See also Drugs that Deprave, Love, Signs of Magical Attack.

 

melancholia. Somber sorrow weighing on a person's soul; may cause one to behave like a rooster, gaze longingly at broken item, or wander among tombs at night or gaze at yard waste with a mind of immense sadness (see also: Love, unrequited). 

missing time. Sudden inability to recall activities completed while in a seemingly lucid state.

neighbors with bizarre injuries.  When one leaves the pale, at first glance everything may appear normal. Whiplash and other injuries amongst multiple neighbors commonly indicates that one has left the pale.

neoteny. Retention of juvenile behavior and appearances into adulthood. Observed in both humans and animals, particularly dogs.

phantasmagoria apparatus: Invention used for exhibiting optical illusions that mentally embody the fears of one experiencing a state of hysterical delirium. Such apparitions may appear as monstrous cadavers.

poriomania. A sudden, morbid impulse to journey away from home. Automatic wandering impulse manifesting in aimless wandering which may last for hours or days at a time. May lead to murder, incendiarism, or prostitution but is typically the result of ennui. 

psychosis. Any major mental disorder characterized by derangement of the personality and loss of contact with reality (otherwise known as the pale). See also, Drugs that deprave, Magical attack, Love.


self-injurious behavior.  Actions observed in children that include biting off their fingers, which is known to cause adults to place these children in camisoles ( straight jackets) and leave them in asylums sometimes for years.

simulacra. Spontaneous images arising form natural formations that resemble living figures, most often perceived as shapes of animals in clouds or faces in the bark of trees.

The trial – 5.6 dominoes

vertigo. Dizziness, an illusion of movement as if the external world were revolving around an individual or as if the individual were revolving in space.

wasting syndrome. Disease marked by weight loss and atrophy of muscular and other connective tissues that is not directly related to a decrease in food and water consumption.